I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this blog. See, I’ve always loved to write. Usually children stories, so sometimes that is what you may find. Other times, just thoughts, dreams, wishes, etc. And oh so many prayers I’ve written over the years.
Maybe I should start with a disclaimer of some type: If you are expecting to read a blog/story/or whatever about a good Christian woman who has lived her life following Christ, then I think you should look elsewhere. Because that’s not me.
I am a sinner saved by grace and the blood of Jesus Christ. Wish I could tell you that after I accepted Jesus when I was 9 at a week long church camp that I followed where God wanted me to go but yeah, can’t do that. I’m not going to get into a whole long story of who, what, where, when, and why. Since I’m 50 (soon to be 51), that would take awhile. Just know that God knows. And I know He’s forgiven me. The hard part, and something I still struggle with, is forgiving myself.
I am single, three times divorced, and somewhat of an empty nester. One of my biggest fears has always been ending up alone. That is something I have struggled with for years. I’m sure someone could probably try to say it had something to do with my childhood. Just like someone could probably also say my running after men and relationships, trying to get attention, my very deep rooted insecurities about being accepted, could also stem from my childhood. Not going there. It is what it is. I’ve been brought to a place where I am alone – technically. My youngest son moved out last year. He lives close by as well as my oldest son. My mom, who is my rock, lives close by with Pop (my step-dad but my dad for the last 25 years) so I have family all close by. Then I have my dogs. There’s Lola, the boxer, whom you will probably hear alot about if you ever come back and read another blog. Then there’s Paco, Lucy, and Lulu, my miniature Chihuahuas. One day I’ll go into the story on my dogs but not right now. So really I guess you could say I’m not alone, but I always thought of being alone as being without someone to be in a relationship with. Which is why I always chased after the wrong relationships, ending up in the messes I ended up in, and going down the wrong paths instead of waiting on God. Hence being single. But, it also took being single to make me realize that I’m not alone. Even if I never get married again, never have that special someone, or never even go on another date, I’m not alone. God is there. He is always there. He was just waiting for me to recognize that.
I have to say that there is alot more to my story. How much I’ll go into as the time passes, I really don’t know. I’m still learning this blogging thing. Have I said before I love to write? I don’t know why I ever stopped. Except maybe because I’m not that good. But even if no one reads this but me, this makes me happy. If God wants it or intends for it to be more then it will be. It’s in God’s hands and believe me, it’s taken a long time for me to learn that one simple fact.
Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! Psalm 46:10 NKJV