Brokenness

On Monday, June 22nd, I will participating in another Proverbs 31 Ministry Online Bible Study. This time we will be studying “The Mended Heart” by Suzanne Eller. If you’ve never participated in a #P31OBS before, please go to http://proverbs31.org/online-bible-studies/ to sign up.

I’ve done several studies through P31, but it wasn’t until this last study of “What Happens When Women Walk in Faith” by Lysa Terkeurst that the fact that I was letting my past define my future hit home. If you’ve read any of my blogs you probably get the picture that after I was saved I haven’t lived my life the way God would want me to. Even during the Bible studies I would let my insecurities play a big role in how much time I actually devoted to it. P31 is very active on social media and so when they do a study, there are always Facebook events as well as Twitter parties. You have small Facebook groups that you can ask to join during the study as well as being a part of the P31 Facebook page. I actually would allow my feelings to get hurt if I felt like during these events that my comments were being overlooked. Or if someone else said the same thing I did and they were mentioned for what they said and I was not. Insecurities are UGLY. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If you give into them they cause you to act like an idiot and do stupid things. I know because I’ve let insecurities rule my life for a very long time.

Just a quick background of me. I was a homely child raised in a strict environment with a weird name for a girl and raised with a step dad that I did not get along with. Being teased is an understatement. When I came into my own after graduating high school, I ran wild as I could. Still being in a strict environment, you can’t really run that wild if you don’t want to be thrown out. And if you are afraid of the punishment. After I married the first time, that’s when I really started running wild and over the years it just escalated. Why God even put up with me and never lost faith in me I will never know. I would have. Unfortunately I’ve ended up right where I never wanted to end up. Alone, single, scars and defects from surgeries due to cancer, overweight. So since my fight with cancer I’ve dealt with all the old insecurities again. Plus the fact that I let my actions in the past rule how I interact with people of faith. I stopped taking an active role in church activities because I am afraid people will judge me if they ever found out about my past and the things I’ve done. I am probably harder on myself about my past then most people would be.

During “When Women Walk in Faith” I realized that God has more planned for me if I would just step out in faith and quit looking over my shoulder. I have to die to self and stop worrying about whether or not someone is going to comment on what I’ve said or if someone is going to judge me for what I’ve done. If God is calling me to do it then that’s what I need to do. When they announced “The Mended Heart” was the next study, it just seemed like God was sending me help in learning how to heal the parts of me that are broken by my past so that I can move on to what He has called me to do.

Since I know that my work schedule is going to be crazy for awhile, I went ahead and started studying the first part of the book. That’s when it was laid on my heart to search for the word broken in the Bible. Two scriptures stood out and I’m going to share them with you and what God laid on my heart this morning after reading them.

Proverbs 15:13
A joyful heart makes a face cheerful, but a sad heart produces a broken spirit.

Psalm 51:17
The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. God you will not despise a broken and humbled heart.

When we are brokenhearted, we also become broken in spirit. Unfortunately, sometimes it is only when we are broken that we finally listen to God. It’s during this time of brokenness that we realize that we can’t do it but God can so we cry out to Him. We admit we are weak and He is strong. We take ourselves out of the equation and give Him ultimate control. We humble ourselves before God. Sometimes though we let our brokenness define our lives. We can’t move on and fully experience all that God has planned for us because we are letting our past shape our future. Until we finally let God heal the broken places in our hearts, in our lives, it’s a vicious cycle that will keep repeating itself.

I’ve let my past define me for too long. Today I open my heart to my God and cry out to Him to heal my brokenness. Will you?

If you’ll leave a comment and even just your first name I’ll pray for healing. And maybe we can travel together on this journey of faith to being all that God wants us to be. God Bless.

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